Touch my Dobe and Die
by Rantzilla
Summary: In which Naruto is a damsel in distress, Sasuke is an over-protective 'friend' who consistently denies his feelings, and Itachi is dead. But lives on in unexpected ways. I'm making this sound more interesting than it is. RATED T. SASUNARU.
1. Naruto Uzumaki MIA!

OMG. I WAS JUST INFORMED THAT THERE ARE MORE NARUSASU FICS THAN NARUHINA _AND _SASUSAKU _AND _NARUSAKU. I AM BEYOND ECSTATIC RIGHT NOW. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW.

Yes. I failed at naming ANOTHER fic. Honestly, I'm beginning to doubt my effective story-naming skillz.

Not that I had any to begin with.

Anyway, multi-chapter fic! WOO!

**Warning: Incompetent writer.**

I still hate school. Thank God it's Friday. (Well it was when I wrote this. NOW IT'S SUNDAY 'CUZ MY DOCUMENT UPLOADER WASN'T WORKING. -shakes fist at ceiling-)

Here is my little SasuNaru (slightly NaruSasu, I like for it to be even) multi-chapter. This'll probably be a really short multi-chapter. Nothing huge, really. Maybe. Iuneveno.

Enjoy?

* * *

**Touch my Dobe and Die**

_Chapter 1: Naruto Uzumaki- MIA?!_

So, I know this blonde, right?

And he is completely and utterly annoying to the core of his smiling being.

I absolutely hate him.

Oh yes, hate indeed.

Don't question me! No one does.

Anyway, the kid has this conception that we're 'friends.'

Which of course, no way in HELL are we.

…

I wish we could be something more.

Wait no.

NO.

That is NOT what I meant.

I meant uh, I wish we could be something… roar.

What?

I _said _don't question me!

Gosh.

…Anywho, this blonde I was talking about, he is so stupid that it makes me want to kiss hi- puke. I meant puke.

Disregarding that… he is in a little trouble.

And when I mean 'a little,' I mean 'shit-deep in consequences of his own stupidity.'

Seriously, I have no idea how it happened. One day we're training, the next he's on a D-Rank mission for an old lady looking for her cat.

The next three days- no one hears from him.

I mean, what an IDIOT! Who gets kidnapped on a D-rank mission?! Has he any idea what he's putting me... no, US through?! I mean who just up and LEAVES for no good-

K. Shutting up now.

But honestly, if his captors touch him or hurt him in any way, I will _kill _them. But first, I'll castrate them with my kusanagi, stab them repeatedly with kunai, chidori them up the ass, and then I'll torch them so bad that they won't be recognizable.

…Yes.

I mean, I don't care about the dobe. Not one bit.

It's just…

Uh…

He's a teammate. And it's my responsibility as his comrade is to rescue him and all that.

Mhm…

Back on topic, word came about… two hours ago…? Can't be sure, it feels like forever ago. Anyways, a letter from the god damned people who captured my- I mean- the dobe arrived mysteriously in the Hokage's office while she was napping. Could she at least TRY and run Konoha seriously? Geez.

So these people left a note on her desk, and eventually Shizune came in, snatched it up, and Sakura, Kakashi, Sai, and I were immediately called to her office. That's when we finally found out what happened to usuratonkachi.

To put it plainly, I was livid. They had written about how I was supposed to rendezvous alone at the 'Great Naruto Bridge' with them. And if they detected any hint of ninja chakra, they would kill Naruto on the spot.

So- alone I was. Insisting I was more than capable of doing this on my own anyway, and ignoring Sakura's pleading, I set off for the Mist Village.

Hm, this is where our first serious mission was… The first time Naruto went Kyuubi after he thought I died…

Okay. I do _not_ like this weird feeling in my stomach. And why on Earth are my cheeks warm?

Ugh. Anyway. I've been running non-stop for about two hours straight, and it's nearly sunset. I'm almost there already, and the rendezvous isn't until midnight this night.

Oh well, that just gives me more time to prepare.

I finally cleared the forest and pushed off the last tree branch, landing flush in front of the sign for the bridge. I surveyed the area briefly, recalling my visit here with Suigetsu.

Suigetsu, that cocky dolt.

He's nothing compared to Naruto.

Uh, ignore that.

I began strolling absently across the bridge, it was misty and eerily quiet, so I activated Sharingan just in case.

That stupid dobe… Is this what he felt like when I left? So worried? So _angry? _Wanting to _kill _whoever took his best friend away? His crush?

Ignore that, too.

I realized that if I dug my nails any further into my skin, I would begin to bleed.

And quite frankly, I could care less.

In fact, pain would be welcome, maybe it would help me take my mind off of usuratonkachi.

I wonder what his kidnappers look like… Are they strong? Skilled? Smart? How many are there?

And more importantly, had they touched the dobe?

_Now _I broke the skin.

I stopped mid-bridge, clenching both my jaw and fists.

And right then and there, I swore to God that if something had happened to my dobe, there would be no holding back, there would be no negotiations.

I would kill whoever dared to touch my Naruto.

* * *

OoOoh. Sasuke, Sasuke. You's a testy one!

Who on Earth could have Naruto?!?!?

Believe me, this story gets A LOT LESS SERIOUS in the next chapter.

Like omgwtfjusthappened not serious. Probably crack-ish. So if you don't like crack, you can just like, ignore the other chapters and pretend this is a one-shot.

So I wanted to get this off my chest, I came up with the idea randomly and just had to write it down before I forgot it. My first NaruSasu (posted) multi-chapter fic! Holy shit on a stick!

Like? Hate? Suggestions? I lurve reviews!

I'm also beginning to use 'dobe,' 'usuratonkachi,' and 'teme.' I usually hate using them in stories but I see them so often that I guess it's becoming kind of second nature to include them.

KSO. THANKS FOR READING. SEE YA~

P.S. MIA means "Missing in Action" if you didn't know. If you did, I LOVE YOU.

JkItotallyloveallofyou.


	2. Excuse me, WHO has Naruto?

For some reason the document uploader thing isn't working, so I'm writing another chapter already. Be happy. (Again, it wasn't working at the _time_ and now it is. Obviously.)

UGH. I hate typing second chapters without feedback, I love having reviews before typing another chapter just in case someone has a suggestion.

OHWELL. Might as well type it while the idea still fresh in my mind, else I'll forget. So without further ado, here is my FIRST ACTUAL SECOND-CHAPTER FOR A SASUNARU FIC. OH MY GOODNESS- SO EXCITED.

Ahem. I'm calm.

Enjoy.

* * *

**Touch my Dobe and Die**

_Chapter 2: Excuse me, WHO has Naruto?_

Say, do you happen to have any patience?

Really, could I borrow some? I'm running extremely low on it.

I mean, for someone who was on edge just twenty minutes ago, it's weird that such a drastic change in my mood occurred.

I am now beyond pissed and extremely worried.

Psh, worried? No, I meant uh, eager to fight. Yup.

I wish I could see the damn moon, at least then I could tell what time it is. Stupid mist. Stupid kidnappers. Stupid _Naruto. _

I groaned audibly and dug the heels of my palms into my closed eyes. Ok, so maybe this wasn't the most dignified Uchiha stance, but no one is around. So it's fine, shut up.

There was absolutely nothing for me to do to get rid of the anticipation. I had planned to set up traps, but the thought of Naruto getting mixed up in the crossfire prevented that. So now I was most likely going to be ambushed or caught in a surprise attack.

_Great._

Why must usuratonkachi cause so many problems? Me having to come all the way out here, me going back to Konoha and having to apologize to everyone PUBLICLY, my heart fluttering whenever he looked at me with those gorgeous blue eyes of his…

I really need to stop doing that.

Wait, what was that? Did I just hear something?

It sounds like raised voices… Coming from the opposite end of the bridge… and they're getting closer.

My heart raced uncomfortably- could it be them?

I strode away from my position leaning on a concrete pillar to stand in the middle of the bridge, crossing my arms and glaring in the direction of the shouts.

What? I had to look as menacing as possible- scaring them off was still plausible. And I'm going to use every tactic I have stored in my genius brain to get my- no- the dobe back.

But all the sudden, the voices ceased- and from the mist I could only see one blurry outline of a tall figure. It was getting closer and closer, walking agonizingly slow. I squinted, trying to see through the obstructing mist.

But finally, the tall person got close enough for me to see h-

Oh

My

Fucking

God.

No, that _can't _be…

This is _insane…_

It's… just not possible…

My brain has finally ceased to function.

I'm blaming that for the incoherent stutter that I let escape me.

"I-Itachi?!"

And I suddenly had the strong urge to hug the shit out of him.

How could this _happen_?

Then again, it was Itachi, he probably had a shadow clone fight me or something. I dunno, but he's still alive! And maybe, just maybe, things can go back to norma-

Wait…

Did Itachi have Naruto?

Oh my Buddha I'm going to kill him again.

He _would _steal Naruto… Little bitch.

And so- the strong urge to hug him was replaced with a strong urge to kick his ass into next Wednesday.

I let my eyes wander over his appearance.

And my heart just froze and died.

That _smile…_

Itachi was grinning like a 5-year-old on Christmas.

That _posture…_

Itachi had both hands on his hips.

Those _eyes…_

The eyes were surveying me in utter joy and relief- something the elder Uchiha had never expressed before.

And my heart just jumped right into my throat- and I'm finding it difficult to breathe.

All those things… could only describe one person…

"Naru…to?" I asked all too gently for my tastes.

He nodded vigorously. Something that looked REALLY weird when it was done by Itachi.

Stupid, STUPID dobe. They had captured him _and _made him turn into my brother. What kind of ninja is he?!

So the strong urge to kill someone had not dissipated yet. And I growled low in my throat at the smiling 'brother' across from me.

"I'm going to kill you," I growled out menacingly.

And much to my satisfaction, his smile faltered.

"Dobe. You are a ninja, and a good one admittedly, how on Earth could you get yourself captured and turned into… _that_.You had me- us worried sick!"

There was a short pause, and then…

Smirking like the cocky boy he is, he blatantly stated- "you think I'm a good ninja?"

I groaned loudly and face-palmed. This was going to prove more difficult than originally anticipated.

"Aww, Sasu-chan," came a voice directly behind me, making me jump out of my pale skin and turn around, throat successfully getting caught in a clawed death grip, "what's wrong?"

Voices were beginning to call out again, this time fully surrounding us. I glanced around us, seeing forms outlined in the mist, but none moved closer. The one holding me was wearing a mask and an Akatsuki uniform. By the pitch of her voice- I could only guess that it was a girl. I looked over at Naruto quickly, he was absolutely fuming- glaring daggers at the person holding me.

Hmph. Imagine that. He cares.

There are no butterflies in my stomach. Shush, fangirls.

Finally, I tuned back into what was going on.

And regretfully on my part- I caught some of what the others were saying.

"He's cute, but not as cute as Itachi."

"He killed him because he was jealous."

"KYAA! I wanna eat him up!"

"NO YOU DON'T. YOU WANT ITACHI."

Oh. Don't tell me.

I might just kill myself.

"Itachi fangirls?"

"We prefer the term 'Itachi's loyal devotees' but yeah. You are correct."

_Now _I was starting to panic. Fangirls are the scariest human beings that God has ever created. They're worse than cannibals, I swear.

So- I began to struggle. Latching onto the claw with both hands and trying to wrench it away from my throat- to no avail.

Oh my gosh they are going to kill me.

So I started kicking my legs in my newfound need to get far far away from these spawns of Satan.

Don't judge me, fangirls are scary.

Scarier still when you've killed off the object of their affection from the entire series.

From my right- I could hear a panicked voice call my name.

Naruto… Pshft… He has a habit of worrying about me too much on this bridge… I did not just say that.

"Heh, I've never seen you so despera- OOF!"

Oh fuck, I just kicked a girl in the face.

If Sakura was here- I'd so get my ass handed to me.

Good thing she's not- and right now I'm too pumped on adrenaline to care.

So I finally flipped away from the mask-bearing she-devil. Well now she didn't have a mask since I broke it and holy fucking shit Jesus donkey poo.

"HAKU?!"

Ok that may have been a bit undignified but seriously. What the fuck. Haku was supposed to be dead! I mean, come on, Naruto and Kakashi totally kicked his pansy butt- he couldn't be alive.

That serene smile on his face said otherwise.

Wait… if Haku was here… That meant…

"OH MY GOD YOU ARE ONE OF MY BROTHER'S FANGIRLS?!"

That is going to haunt my dreams for the next five months.

Haku giggled girlishly and smiled at me- nodding softly.

Holy shit is this kid bipolar or what?

And just like he was proving my point- the smile morphed into the creepiest freaking smirk I have ever seen in my life- effectively rooting me to the spot.

I could still vaguely register the non-stop shouting of my name.

So I lied earlier. This _smile_ is what's going to haunt my dreams- HOLY SHIT where did he go?!

I heard a giggle from behind me.

Oh come on, I've fought him before and still didn't remember how fucking fast he is. Maybe this is why I lost.

Okay- how did this happen.

One second I'm standing up and the next I find myself lying face down on the bridge's hard and cold concrete- struggling with all my might. There was a weight on my back that I just couldn't seem to throw off and wow Haku is a pervert.

"Hand _off _my ass, please."

Seriously. That's Naruto's turf.

"HEY HAKU, GET YOUR PERVERTED HANDS OFF OF MY- I MEAN- SASUKE-TEME!"

Calm down, heart! It was just an accidental slip-up of words! It means nothing!

New subject. Uh, so Naruto turned back into Naruto. Thank God, my brother's voice calling out my name was beginning to disturb me. Subject change: SUCCESSFUL.

But all thoughts about Naruto and subject changes were quickly dispersed as I felt a warm and wet something travel across the back of my neck- and I visibly shivered.

I vividly caught a scream of complete outrage.

"Sasu-chan…" rang a soft and sweet voice inches from my ear.

My breath caught in my throat- and I was once again unable to breathe. Or talk for that matter.

"I'm going to kill you."

Inwardly, I groaned. I should have known.

I mean, squealing fangirls are one thing.

The weight on my back lifted and I was pulled up by my hair moments later. Almost as quickly as I was picked up, I was thrown rougly away again.

But _raging _fangirls are an entirely different matter.

A kick connected with my stomach- effectively slamming me into the bridge mid-flight.

I coughed loudly- hearing my name screamed once more before I opted to just lay and stare at the unseen sky for a moment, waiting for my vision to focus again.

Yep. This was going to prove a _lot _more difficult than I thought.

* * *

WOW. I THINK I TOTALLY FAILED AT TYPING THIS CHAPTER. And yeah. I totally hinted HakuSasu this chapter. I don't like that pairing but whatever- my pairing is going to be so very much exaggerated next chapter it's not even funny.

So I have like the perfect idea for this chaptered series. Oh my gosh you don't even know.

Aren't you proud of my quick update? :D

The next one will be slower- I haven't typed it yet. And I started typing this when my document manager was still broken.

LIKE? HATE? IUNEVENO?!

I give you imaginary cookies if you review. 8D

Peace out, home dawgs.

SEE YA NEXT CHAPTER~

P.S. I made Haku very perverted. Sorry. And I do apologize for OOCness or random stuff like that.


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